LAPD Wife

LAPD Wife Podcast

I had a fantastic time this weekend chatting with Ken from PoliceBackground.net and Gloria, an LAPD applicant, about my experiences and outlook as the wife of a seasoned LAPD officer. What's really fun is that our conversation is now available as a podcast you can listen to at your convenience.

Check it out at the link below. I hope you like it and just remember, this wasn't rehearsed or scripted, so if I sound goofy, be kind. I have to say that I really had fun talking about a subject I am passionate about and hope that I provided words of hope, motivation, inspiration or maybe just laughter for those who find themselves in similar situations.

PoliceBackground.net / LAPD Wife Podcast

 

Roll With It

Officer Jake is pretty good about packing his lunch for work. After 20 years on the job, his stomach can't handle quite as many In-N-Out burgers and he's learned the value of maintaining a healthier diet. I've been working with him over the past several years to develop tasty and nutritious ideas that leave boring old turkey sandwiches and carrot sticks a thing of the past. Here is one of his recent favorites, a chicken-salad rollup, that incorporates protein, veggies, fruit and whole grain all in one. Sound "too-healthy-to-be-tasty?" Not so! Once I got him to try this (it took a little convincing - he thought it looked a little too "girly") he loved it and requests it often.    

Chicken Salad Rollups

> Whole wheat lavash bread (I get mine at Trader Joe's. If you can't get lavash, go for whole grain tortillas or any sort of flat bread.)
> Fresh spinach leaves (or lettuce if you can't get spinach)
> Golden raisins
> Chicken Salad (my recipe follows. Or buy prepared chicken salad at your local deli. The only problem with ready-made is you can't control how much mayo or other fats they put in the salad.)

Homemade Chicken Salad

Four cups finely chopped cooked chicken (I like to use either grilled or roasted, more flavor)
2 Tbsp low-fat mayonnaise
1 teaspoon Dijon mustard
2 stalks of celery - finely diced
salt and pepper to taste

Assembly

Lay out the lavash bread on a cutting board. Spread the chicken salad in a thin, even layer over the entire lavash, all the way to the sides. Sprinkle golden raisins over the chicken salad. Arrange spinach (or lettuce) leaves over top. Tightly roll up the lavash and fillings into a tight roll. Cut roll into sections about 2 inches wide. Store in an airtight container or wrapped tightly in plastic wrap. It's best to make this right before packing the lunch - store too long and it gets soggy or the rolls come unrolled and you've got a grumpy police officer trying to figure out what-in-the-heck you put in his lunchbox.

Remember - real men DO eat rollups.

Restless Nights with an Officer

Sleeping with a police officer can have many surprises. No, this post isn't about fuzzy handcuffs or "other" scenarios. It's about actually sleeping, or NOT sleeping, with a police officer.

Some people have to deal with loud snorers or insomniacs when they cohabitate a bed with a loved one. Those of us married to police officers get even more fun to deal with. During our decade and a half of sleeping together, I've had to deal with Jake's insomnia, nighttime migraines, "jimmy legs," startle reflexes and more.

Insomnia is a common problem with law enforcement. It's a well-known side effect stemming from post-traumatic stress, something commonly experienced by officers at some point during their career. And the non-traditional work shifts, combined with rotations between these shifts during an officer's career don't help a man or woman develop normal sleep habits. Add in kids and you've got some pretty sleep-deprived people.

Jake had a bad car accident on duty early in our marriage that hospitalized him with, among other injuries, some pretty bad head trauma. A lasting effect from this injury has been severe migraines that hit him pretty regularly. And for some reason, they come mostly late in the afternoon or at night. He'll go to bed feeling fine and wake up practically screaming with pain. Migraine sufferers know, there's not much you can do but tough it out. I try to do what I can, but often I end up sleeping in the guest room on nights like this, letting the migraine run its course.

Then there are the times that Jake startles awake or gets a kind of restless leg syndrome thing going when times are especially stressful, hours are long, etc at work. We got a California King bed a few years ago, so it gives me the room to not be bothered too much by that. If we were still in a Queen, forget  about it.  

Jake gets mad/jealous of how easily and quickly I can fall asleep after waking up during the night or when we go on long drives. I explain to him that it's a well-honed survival skill, because if I couldn't, between him and the kids, I'd be a total mess.

Care and Feeding of Police Officers

The surveys are going well - I have 55 completed for Part One and 35 for Part Two. DON'T FORGET PART 2! - If you took survey one, but didn't realize there was a second one, please go back and help me out.

I've got ideas for a series of articles from the results I've seen already, but don't plan on tabulating official results until we have 100 completed surveys (both). So tell your GFs, get your husband to take it, and remember that this works for military, fire, police, dispatch, paramedics, etc.

Thanks! And keep the doughnuts to a minimum!

Dinner Party Conversations

I sent out a couple of Tweets via Twitter earlier this week about a dinner we had with friends. I had several requests for more details (Twitter limits you to very short bursts of information) so here goes:

We had several couples over for dinner one night. On the guest list were two ER doctors (husband/wife team), a small business owner and his wife (a SAHM) and a retired police officer and his wife. I knew that dinner conversation definitely had the potential of getting ... "interesting" ... with 2 cops and 2 ER docs but didn't think too much about it. Of the women, two of us were married to officers and had pretty much heard most of the stories or had developed the survival instinct of tuning them out at will.

I forgot about Lauren.

Poor, poor Lauren.

Lauren is the wife of the small biz owner who is also one of our neighbors and very good friends of ours. But she really hasn't been exposed to the down and dirty war stories that tend to come out after veteran officers gather together over a few hours of drinks and good food. ER doctors and nurses fall easily into that category, also, with many similar experiences in their line of work - and aren't easy to gross out.  (Me? I fall somewhere in the middle. Some stories I've heard so much that I've become desensitized. The rest of the time I've developed a sixth sense of knowing when to "check on the kids" or something like that.)

So there we were, enjoying our after-dinner granita in our backyard(for my foodie readers, see the full menu below) and I was deep in conversation with the other officer's wife about the kids' Little League schedule, having lost interest in the emergency room case the others were discussing. Suddenly I hear Lauren gagging, her husband patting her on the back and then she's up like a shot and running into the kitchen to "help with clearing up."

The story had turned to a case where someone had a seizure while driving and his car went into a place of business, hitting several people, children included. The driver, who should not have been driving, was so distraught when he regained consciousness, had taken a large shard of glass and in his suicidal despondency over what he had done, had attempted to slit his own throat. The doctor, who had been on ER duty that night, was describing the wound, complete with sound effects.

Poor Lauren, she was green when I checked on her and she even ended up doing all my dishes, she was too afraid to head back out for awhile. Worked out fine for me : )

Menu

• Roasted eggplant dip
• chips and salsa
• Cucumber/smoked salmon/fresh dill appetizers
• Teriyaki chicken kabobs
• BBQ Tri-tip
• Green salad
• Roasted vegetables
• Pina Colada Granita (an Italian ice dessert - like a slushy but fancied up)
• platter of chocolate-dipped strawberries, dried apricots, pretzels

Descanso Gardens

When Officer Jake has a weekend day off, we like to take family day trips around Southern California. Some days we go to the beach, others we picnic and hike. There is so much to do here around the area that the possibilities are endless. We do have our favorites, though, and one of them is to visit Descanso Gardens, beautiful botanical gardens located in La Canada (near Pasadena). It's a small drive of about 30-45 mins, and we like to make a day of it. We spend several hours touring the gardens, go to nearby Montrose for lunch and do some window shopping walking up and down Honolulu Avenue in Montrose, which has a Main Street USA feel to it.

The scenery at Descanso is amazing. These pictures were taken about 3 weeks ago and show a very small portion of the 150 acres of history and horticultur seamlessly blended into a visually stunning and surprisingly peaceful escape from the stresses of the world for a day. The photo above is in the Japanese tea garden, where they serve traditional tea several times a week. Trails meander all over the park and even when it's crowded, it never feels that way. My favorite times of year to visit are near Easter and again between Halloween and Christmas. They have concerts, programs for children, weddings, etc, but honestly I can just walk and walk and never get tired of it.

 

I grew up in the Midwest and one of the flowers that I miss seeing are lilacs. Descanso has been developing special lilacs that can grow in Southern California and even have a special lilac garden where at least 50 different large lilac buses are thriving. I stand in the middle, close my eyes, take a whiff and am transported back to days of playing clubhouse under the lilac bushes with my sister growing up on the farm.

Descanso also has amazing rose gardens, popular for weddings, a huge camellia forest, the restored home of the original owners whose dream became a reality with creating these gardens, koi ponds, special seasonal displays and avenues filled with everything from azaleas, ferns, hills of clivias and magnificent, majestic oak trees that must be over a century old. If you live in or around Los Angeles, or are visiting our lovely state sometime in the future, this is truly a wonderful place to see and works for all types of groups. Jake and I used to take romantic walks here when we were dating but enjoy it just as well now with the kids as they can run and play and have lots of neat places to explore. I highly recommend it.

Desperate Southland Wives

Despite my lackluster review of the new television series "Southland," I've continued watching the show, hoping it will draw me in. I still think it's entertaining and should be watched with that in mind - that it is entertainment only. While the show does closely mirror life as a police officer in Los Angeles, it is not the hard-and-fast total truth and does embrace many stereotypes that media in the past has loved to embrace, but are not realistic portrayals of everyday police out there, such as my husband.

It's the wives in "Southland" that have captured my interest and while I watch I focus on the scenes that try to take a look at marriage and family life with LAPD. For the most, I laugh. There is Tammy the Trainwreck (my nickname I've given her), the needy, whiny, grasping wife of a Detective. She's so idiotic that it's gotten funny laughing at what outrageously boneheaded thing she'll do next. Definitely NOT a character for real wives of officers to look up to or emulate. Unfortunately, she's the one we see the most during the show. 

Finally a new wife was introduced in the last two episodes that I could like. The pregnant wife of Detective Nate, she has only been seen for about 1 or 2 minutes total, but during that time she was supportive, understanding and said something to the effect of "we'll work out things TOGETHER." Now that's what I'm talking about!

Another new wife introduced into the show that caught my attention was the wife of Detective Russell. They annoy me, too, but it came out during a scene that she is a writer with a journalism background and maintains a blog or website called "I Love a Cop." (They didn't mention the name of the site, but if you have the show taped, there is a scene where the husband accuses her of running a site where wives like to "pretend that they like being married to cops" and she is sitting in front of her laptop. Freeze frame and you'll see the fake site they've set up.)

Hmmmmm.....  I'll keep watching, I'm wondering where that is going. ??

Hazards of Qualifying

This story can be categorized under "Things Only a Police Wife Would Hear"

Jake came home from work the other day, asking "Hon, will you check my neck for me?"

"Ummm, yes dear it's still there - very manly," I said, not sure what he was getting at.

One big eye roll from him and then he clarified. He'd gone to the shooting range to qualify that morning. During qualification, officers are arranged in a line as they shoot at the targets. This is serious, you have to pass or get back in line and do it all over again. So when they are qualifying, they are all about the concentration 'cause nobody wants to waste all day standing in line, right?

During Jake's round, several spent casings from the officer to his left ejected right down the back of Jake's collar as they were shooting. They are pretty hot right then, so you can imagine that this is not only annoying but uncomfortable. And yet, there was no was Jake was going to stop, so he sucked it up and finished qualifying before shaking them out of his shirt.

When he got home, though, his neck was still itching, so I had to check to see if he had any red irritated areas. What was funny was that as I pulled away the collar to check, another casing fell out of his shirt right there. He'd driven all the way home with bullet casings down the back of shirt - no wonder he was uncomfortable.

Coping After Tragedy

(I was inspired by Kimberly's comment on my previous "Oakland Police Tragedy" post to write more of my feelings when dealing with a tragedy like this one. She is the wife of an LEO and most likely is going through the emotional upheaval we all do at times like this.)

When an officer dies, it is natural for those of us who are married to (or family members of) law enforcement officers to think "what if that had been my husband?" (Or wife, brother, son, daughter, etc). Over the next week we'll see the funerals and images of the mourning families broadcast for all, enforcing that feeling among us of "what if that was me?"

My emotions run from deep sadness as I watch the spouses and children suffer in the media spotlight to a profound gratitude that my husband, after many scrapes and incidents of his own on the job, is still with us and fighting the good fight. I think of the gratitude I have for the many men and women who work in law enforcement, a job that's too often criticized and not enough praised. And I feel sadness for the many who have lost their lives at the hands of senseless violence like this.

Those of us who are parents will look to our children. My son is 9. He is at an age that he now understands more of what it means that his father is a police officer. That there are dangers and risks that come with that job. Jake and I make an effort to talk to him, to answer his questions, to reassure and address his fears without planting more.

At times like these, I think about the victims - the officers and their families. I pray for their comfort, I send my well-wishes in whatever I can. And I pay tribute to them by continuing to honor the profession their loved ones worked for and paid the ultimate sacrifice for. I continue to support my husband in whatever way I can, be it by listening when he wants to talk about it or knowing when to leave him alone when he wants to forget about it and "leave things at the office."

My husband is a good man who has diligently worked 20 years on the job with the LAPD. During his career he's been in shootings, in a very serious accident, been hit, spit on, scraped up countless times scaling walls and pursuing suspects, threatened with all manner of weapons from guns to needles to dogs and on and on.

Facing these facts and knowing that every day can bring new scares, there are two ways I, as his wife, can live my life. I can choose to let my fear overwhelm me or I can choose to learn to live with that fear and live a full life for my family filled with hope.

I think many wives, girlfriends, family members of law enforcement officers quickly learn this. Our men and women have jobs that constantly put them in harm's way. Statistics work against them and the media constantly puts this in our faces, increasing our worry.

My way of dealing with this? Many things. First I acknowledge the fears and worries I have as natural and normal. I discuss them with my husband and we talk together of scenarios and plans of what I would do, what would happen, in different instances such as if he was hurt, etc. Having plans in place brings me a little more sense of control in an uncontrollable world.

My husband has been good to discuss with me tactics at work they use to help avoid situations like the Oakland police officers ended up in. Obviously, tragedies still happen and even the very best officers cannot control everything, but it's nice to know that Jake is doing all he can to protect himself and fellow officers by following the training and instructions that the department puts together for its officers' protection.

And I try to have hope constantly in my life. When I fall into pessimism, when my imagination gets the best of me and bleak thoughts invade, I think of the life we have together, our fortune in family and friends and the fact that we've been blessed so far in this life. And I continue to hope, and to pray, that it will continue. That Jake will be safe for the next decade of his career and that when problems arise, we'll be able to handle them and all will be well.

So I'll watch the funerals of those officers in Oakland, and I'll cry as I sympathize with their pain, but I'll also remember my husband and know that as he goes back to work he'll know that I'm right there behind him, loving and supporting him as best I can.

Surviving and Thriving

I've been itching to start writing again on the blog, but wanted to find something new to inspire and guide me whilst typing away on this old keyboard. And the words survive and thrive came to me one night. So here's my new inspiration, ladies (and gents). Not that it matters much anyway, but I'm going to try to center my writings around surviving and thriving. And I still plan on indulging myself by throwing in a little photography and travel pieces here and there.

What is different about this than before, you ask? Hmmmm, not sure. But inspiration is a good thing and it's got my writing juices flowing again. Stay tuned... and I'll put out this plea One. More. Time. If any of you police wives, girlfriends, mothers, sisters, friends or family members have either advice for how to survive an leo relationship or cool stories of how you've thrived together, send them to me, I'd be happy to post them here. I don't care if you're partner is working in Los Angeles or Paducah, KY - we're all in the same boat. (no reason I chose Paducah, I just like saying that word. It just rolls off the tongue.).

email me at renee@lapdwife.com. Can't wait to hear from you. Hint, hint.... start writing, already! If I can do it, so can you.