After hearing the raves from LAPD friends and mention from many online, I finally ordered “I Love a Cop - What Police Families Need to Know” and have spent a few weeks reading and reviewing my copy.
The book’s author, Ellen Kirschman, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist who has been working with police officers and their families for over 20 years. The back cover of the book draws you in with ominous hints of the hardships of a law enforcement marriage: “Are police marriages destined to fail?” “What are the chances of your loved one being killed in the line of duty?”
First published in 1997, this self-help book is still one of only a small number of non-fiction guides for this branch of society – a matter I find amazing. The media’s infatuation with law enforcement has brought us miniseries, cable dramas, movies, video games, novels and reality shows all centered around officers. Do a search for law enforcement books and you’ll find tons of fiction, a good number of autobiographies and, sadly, only a few self-help books for spouses or families. This one seems to be the most popular.
The preface left me feeling good, as Kirschman addressed one of the biggest stereotypes right off - the high rate of divorce in leo relationships. She stated her intent to discredit the myth that most leo marriages are destined for divorce. This was refreshing to hear. One of the reasons I started writing for “LAPD Wife” was to show people not only an honest look at life with an officer, but also the positive side of it, an aspect rarely covered by the media.
Addressing the high rate of infidelity that the media loves to talk about among officers, she had this to say:
“Police work can be used to excuse infidelity, but I think it is closer to the truth to say that infidelity, however often it occurs, is not so much a consequence of the job as it is a reflection of the people involved.”
I’m liking her already. I was afraid that this book might be a lot of high-brow psycho-babble, but what I’ve read so far makes sense to me, is comforting and comes with a big dose of common sense logic - which appeals to me.
The first main section of the book I found interesting and could identify with the most. Kirschman first identifies a common issue in leo marriages, such as dealing shift work or the emotional shut-off many officers embrace to survive the job. She then uses examples of couples she’s worked with in the past to give the reader a clear picture into how this issue can affect all sides of a relationship.
And last, but not least, she wraps it up outlining how she was able to guide that couple, as well as general advice to anyone else experiencing similar problems in their relationships.
Kirschman does honestly say in the preface that not all of this book will apply to each reader. She suggests that the book can be used in several ways. First, as a sort of medical manual - turn to the chapter that you need when the situation arises. Second, read it straight through. Or third – and this is what I found myself doing – read through the parts that apply to you now. Skim over the ones that don’t. I did find myself focusing in on the chapters talking about trauma and dealing with its effects, as my husband suffered serious injuries in the line of duty early in our marriage. It was a tough time for us, luckily we weathered that storm. But it would’ve been nice if I’d read this book before then to know that what we went through (the nightmares, insomnia, frustration, irritability, etc. ) was all normal.
The whole of the book I found a bit depressing as I read so much about dealing with the negative aspects of police marriages. And yet, that is it’s purpose, so I can’t really blame Kirschman much for that. Her job is to help those in need and she seems to do well at it. Her advice and anecdotes deal with subjects ranging from alcoholism to abuse, from shift work to rookie syndrome and special police families, such as female officers, gay and lesbians and minorities.
Kirschman wraps up her book with success stories. Whew! I was getting a bit depressed after slogging through all those problems. It was a nice way to finish it all out. She also provides an extensive guide of resources available for police and their families.
Overall - I would recommend this book for police families - with the idea to keep it as a reference book to consult if help is ever needed for yourself or friends in the law enforcement community. I don’t consider this the bible of police family life, but instead one needed part of an leo spouses’ library that should also contain upbeat novels, autobiographies, historical accounts and a few trashy cop romances thrown in for good measure.
One problem I can see, though, is that this book could really scare a young fiancee or wife of an officer, frightening them with potential problems they probably weren’t thinking of and that probably won’t happen to them.
As a “veteran” officer’s wife, I would consider giving this as a gift to a young wife, but would be sure to discuss it thoroughly with her beforehand and tell her about all the positive aspects of life with a police officer. I would let her know that she can talk to me or direct her to other spouse-support groups if she has any concerns or qualms.
This is not a book you’ll sit on the beach and read for entertainment, but contains useful guidance to let other spouses out there know that they are not alone with these unique issues we see in our relationships. And that these issues or problems are not things we must accept and live with just because we are in a leo family. They can be faced and dealt with and the marriage emerge that much stronger.
*reprinted from 2004
Recent Comments