Marriage to a police officer brings many challenges, but one that I think we all deal with continually is learning to adjust to the shift work, overtime, on-call duty and other work-related scheduling hassles. We learn quickly that the only thing reliable about their work schedules is that they are not reliable. When we make plans, there is always the possibility that Jake may not be availalbe, so I aways have a Plan A (no Jake) and a Plan B (with Jake) in place.
Well, almost always. Even I, after 15 years, still make rookie mistakes. Like last week. I had scheduled a lunch date with a good friend of mine in the Valley. We were to meet at noon. It's summer, the kids are out of school, so I always have to think about child care. Being the smart girl that I am, I asked my friend if she wouldn't mind the kids tagging along. No problem, we're all set.
I told Jake about my plans and he informed me that he would be able to watch the kids that day, if I would like to have a quiet lunch with my friend. Excellent! Jake was working, but was leaving early to go to a work-mandated physical therapy session (for problems that pop up now and then from past injuries on the job). He assured me that he would definitely be home in time.
I then made the rookie decision to wait and leave the kids with him. He did promise me that he would be home in time. What, oh what was I thinking? Big surprise, he ended up having to stay late for work, so therefore had to go to physical therapy late, so therefore arrived home late. Instead of just leaving and taking the kids with me, as I so smartly had planned on in the first place, I was going with Plan B and waiting at home for him to switch off with the kids, frantically texting my friend and pushing our lunch date back... and back.... and back.
Arriving at my lunch date an hour late, I was mad. Not mad at Jake, but mad at myself. I know better. It's not his fault, it's just the way the job is. I've been married to him long enough that I shouldn't let myself get caught up in this. The only person not mad at the table was my girlfriend. She's married to a cop - she gets it.
That is probably one of the biggest difficulties in a LEO marriage. In a normal marriage, part of the trust and bond that develops between spouses comes from "I'll be there at 2:00" and actually "BEING THERE at 2:00". Yes, we know it's not their fault, but if you're the type of person who feels like "love" is akin to "dependable", it's a hard row to hoe.
Or it could just be me :)
Posted by: meadowlark | July 17, 2009 at 06:01 PM
I've been "involved" with a certain cop for about a month now. I keep waiting for a date but this post made me realize that it may not happen and maybe I should look at his "swing bys" while on and off duty and our spur of the moment "meetings" more like "mini dates." What do you think?
Posted by: Damsel Underdressed | July 20, 2009 at 05:18 PM
Damsel, to be totally honest,if you guys haven't had a date by now,I don't think it will happen.Seems to me to be more of a *booty-call*.
If a guy is interested in you and wants a future with you(or get to know you better), he will make the time.
Hubby and I met and had a date the very next day.
A month is a very long time to wait for a guy to make time for you ;-)
Posted by: Mich | July 21, 2009 at 12:12 AM
We've known each other a long time and this all started because during one random conversation, I asked him to go to the Jimmy Buffett concert with me and my friends. I never thought he really would, but he did. So I guess we technically DID have one date...a pretty long one at that.
I do take it all at face value though. When he's there in front of me, I believe it. And when he's not...we'll see. But just to clarify, the swing bys aren't booty calls. We mainly talk and have an occasional kiss. He's a Corporal and works A LOT of doubles. Anyway, I will keep you posted.
(P.S. I really like your blog. :) )
Posted by: Damsel Underdressed | July 21, 2009 at 03:48 AM
Thanks Damsel. I just swung by and read your full post about your developing relationship with TallandHot. It sounds like he's definitely taking it slow, but if you're ok with that and are comfortable in the relationship, that's great. Watch out for if your visits turn into booty calls, though, and watch out for yourself. For some officers, the job comes first or they use it as an excuse. You need to decide if that's something you can live with. On the other hand, he may be genuinely busy and in a super-hectic time of his career. That's the danger of making comments on relationships via the internet - you never really know the whole story. He may be very busy or he may be committment phobic. It'll take time to figure it all out. Just be smart about it. And good luck!
Posted by: Renee | July 21, 2009 at 09:37 AM
Police Wives Inc would love if you could possibly add our link to your blog... We have you listed as an LEO Wife Blog on our website, which you can find at PoliceWives.org. THANKS!
Posted by: Nicole | July 21, 2009 at 12:45 PM
Wait! Hold on! He isn't Tallandhot. But he is one of my mistaken identities while looking for Tallandhot. But if you read the "Indubitably" post and the two "Knight Stalkings" posts, then you get the drift and just used the wrong name. ;) It's confusing, I know!
Posted by: Damsel Underdressed | July 21, 2009 at 03:47 PM
I like that you called it a rookie mistake. obviously i am relating to the schedule frustrations now, but in a way it's good to know that this is still part of the life years down the road. This post made me smile.
Posted by: Mrs. Fuzz | July 26, 2009 at 08:47 PM
Yes, this post TOTALLY made me laugh out loud too and I had my own issue with lateness today, which I posted about (and linked back here ~ I hope that's ok).
Posted by: KD | July 26, 2009 at 10:29 PM
Ha! I see what you all mean... He DID try to make a date with me. He actually got done with his shift on time (7AM) and was "going home to go to bed so it (dinner with me) could happen" before he had to be back at work at 11PM. Then insomnia struck and he couldn't fall asleep until after 2PM.
I have to thank you for this post because, being somewhat new to this, I would have mistaken it as him being a jerk. :)
Posted by: Damsel Underdressed | July 27, 2009 at 03:15 AM
Another great read Renee,and great advice to Damsel. Every situation is different but if you find yourself waiting around for something you think may never happen after talking to him about it,then head for the hills Damsel.
I met my wife when her partner,and her pulled me over for a broken tail pipe and a rag stuffed in my gas tank so under those circumstances I could only assume she thought I was a loser when she never responded.lol
I know it sounds like a movie but nothing transpired until a few months later.It's along story but I was ready to say "forget it" when I finally heard from her. Come to find out she did think I was a loser but changed her judgmental perspective when she got to know me.lol but the main reason was because of her hectic schedule. I was finishing my residency at a hospital so we both had the same kind of inconsistent work life.
Just be clear on what it is you want and communicate. If that doesn't work there's other fish in the sea
Posted by: Cliff | July 30, 2009 at 10:32 PM
Thanks, Cliff. Trust me...I only have a certain amount of patience.
However, there is a history and fairly long backstory to us. We've recently talked about our "interest" in one another. And I honestly think it's moving in the right direction. :)
Posted by: Damsel Underdressed | July 31, 2009 at 04:50 AM